Feelings

Since I was already awake (see post below) and there is only so much you can do at 4am, I thought I would journal the feelings I was having right now. This might turn out to be a delirious middle of the night post or it might turn out to be a post that I enjoy reading in a few months/years time that takes me back to this time and the feelings I was having. Anyway, here it goes...

Crazy urge to clean and prepare
This has been going on for the last few weeks but it is especially strong right now. I have this strong desire for everything to be perfect. I have made countless lists and walked around the house a million times just checking to make sure everything is in place. Just to put it into perspective, yesterday I washed windows (I don't do windows). I also mopped the foyer twice and swept off the leaves from the walkway. Around the middle of the afternoon I decided I needed a project so I convinced Sam that we needed to go to Home Depot to buy new plants to put in the planters outside. He did what any good husband of a very pregnant woman would do - he agreed (and did all the work). I know this is the nesting instinct and I just want to confirm that it is very real!

Nostalgic
I am a emotional sap all of a sudden. I think I have been really level headed this pregnancy. I have only had a handful of emotional outburst but in the last week I have caught myself reflecting a lot more than normal. I think a lot about my relationship with Sam and all the special time we have spent together. We have had an incredible marriage so far and I can't wait to share parenthood with him. At the same time, I know one day I will look back on these pre-child days and wish we had appreciated them more. I also think about my relationship with my parents. One of my friends told me that having a baby changed her relationship with her parents quite a bit. She, like me, was already really close to her parents but having a baby made her see them in a whole new light. She was able to get a little glimpse of what they were like with her when she was a baby. I think that was a really neat way to think about it and something I am really looking forward to. It makes me think back to my childhood and makes me thankful that I was lucky enough to have such positive memories to reflect on. I also think about my relationship with friends. I think in some ways, having a baby will make me closer to some people and we will be able to bond over our children. At the same time, there will also be friendships that will suffer and will probably never be the same. I think it is just a part of growing up and happens naturally when your life changes. I don't worry about this but it does make me look back fondly on the experiences Sam and I have shared with our friends over the last few years. Finally, as much as I am ready for this pregnancy to end, I know that I will really miss this experience one day. I can't wait to meet my little baby boy but I will really miss the special time we have spent together before birth. I have loved feeling his movement and knowing that he was growing inside me. I am pretty sure we will have a second child but you can never be sure. Either way, there will never be another first child and this pregnancy time has been very special to me. I guess it is perfectly normal to be nostalgic during such a major milestone in your life. Looking back on it all, this is probably one of the biggest things I have ever done in my life. I just want to make sure I take it all in and really treasure all the memories and experiences.

Nervous
I think this one goes without saying but I am pretty nervous about everything (even if I don't want to admit it). I am, of course, a little nervous about giving birth. I think I am as prepared as I will ever be. Regardless, there are so many unknowns and I just hope that I can stay calm and handle everything well. I am nervous about being a parent for the first time and that I will know what to do. I am so thankful that I have my mom and Sam's mom to help out with this baby otherwise I would be a total wreck right now. I know we will get the hang of this parenting thing but it is still a little scary thinking about bringing a little baby home for the first time. Truthfully, there are thousands of little things I am nervous about right now and I think it is probably better that I not list them out. I just wanted to acknowledge that I am not quite as level headed as I might have lead you to believe.

Excited
This is the big one! I can't wait to meet our little man and celebrate his life!